A sermon by the Reverend Batty von Geobells
There has been much speculation in the media recently about the former British Foreign Secretary’s comments relating to Islamic clothing.
Boris Johnson recently sparked outrage for suggesting Muslim women who wear headscarves resembled “bank robbers” and “letter boxes”.
So I thought I would write a sermon from a Christian perspective as to what is acceptable and not acceptable to wear.
It is the case, on the surface of it, a lot of religious garb may seem strange or even silly to the downright preposterous. To the untrained eye, a monk who wears a robe and shaves a deliberate bald patch on their head might look absolutely absurd. However, this is how God wants them to appear, for example, when they are making their super-strong Buckfast Abbey Tonic Wine in their monastery in Devon, to sell to the tramps and downtrodden in Scotland who appreciate its fine taste and heroin-like buzz.
A virtuous Christian nun must cover her body and hair to prevent men from having naughty thoughts of a sexual nature enter their heads and of course everyone should wear a symbolic depiction of a Roman crucifix that was used to torture people with a slow and agonising death.
These dress codes are put in place for our own good. They are part of our cultural and religious heritage and must be respected. It is not for us to question God on what we wear.
But what about those who follow a different religion? Since obviously, there is only one true religion, which is Christianity. We know all heretics and followers of other religions will surely be sent to burn in hell forever by the same loving Abrahamic God some of them also worship.
Those who wear a hijab, niqab, or burqa, of course, look ridiculous, as you might expect from a religion that has crazy stuff in it like flying horses and claims virgins (and plenteous shade) await those who enter paradise.
Other fake religions, such as Hare Krishna, Sikhism, Buddhism, etc., which sometimes require their followers to dress up in daft-looking attire can also expect no mercy from God.
Some Jewish people look a bit strange too, but that’s different, as although strictly speaking they are not true Christians and reject our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, as the Messiah, not to mention getting him killed, they are God’s chosen people, so it’s ok for them to dress up in ludicrous fancy dress.
The bizarre fashion of sagging one’s pants was born of a prison mode for signalling sexual availability, but as long as you are wearing a crucifix or have crucifix underwear then God will still save your soul, since bum sex isn’t prohibited in the bible.