A sermon by the Rev Batty Von Goebbels
For 2000 years, Jesus could not come again. Now we have Viagra, he can come again and again and again. Viagra is renowned for making you rise three days later so he’ll need some when he cums back.
Some Christians find the crucified tortured image of Christ in his nappy sexually arousing, all submissive, bound and ready for action.
Let me elaborate. The image of torture makes them think of love, isn’t that sweet?
First of all, God made it all cushy, he had a load of angel pals to hang out with, but then his favourite Lucifer wouldn’t do the washing up or make him a cup of tea. For not serving, God chucks Lucifer out of Heaven, turns him into a red horned devil with a tail and his own set of demonic pals. He then creates Hell for them to live in as an HQ to devote all of eternity to tempt mankind, which had not yet been created.
God’s plot is pretty twisted. He made Adam whose right hand just wasn’t doing it for him, so he took a rib to make Eve, but that old Lucifer hasn’t gone away and comes back in the form of a talking snake. He tells Eve to give Adam an apple from a tree that God said they shouldn’t have for reasons unknown. Just for this, God kicks them out of Eden. I hope you are keeping up, it really does make perfect sense.
OK God is a little bit irrational, temperamental and has a series of bizarre punishments for people who don’t do what they are told. This is why he created man in his own image and gave him free will. Still, makes sense right?
God shows his love to Abraham by telling him to ritually sacrifice his son, only to do a Jeremy Beadle on him at the last minute. As Abraham was about to kill his Issac on Mount Moria, God steps in and says “only joking, but thanks anyway for being up for killing your son, but you only have to sacrifice a sheep instead, because I’m just so fucking loving.”
A little bit of a mean prank to pull, but you’ve gotta have faith to be a virtuous Christian.
Next, we move to the story of Noah
Our all-knowing and loving God must have been having a bad hair day, so he decides to kill everything on the planet with a flood. Except he spared Noah who lived to be 950 years old, almost as old as Dr Who, together with two of every animal on the planet. Birds and sea creatures were excluded, as for some reason God didn’t have a problem with them.
He floods the Earth for 40 days and 40 nights, killing almost everything apart from Noah, who he tipped off, enabling him to build a huge Beastiality Boat. Noah built a big boat, Noah’s Arc, that contained two of each species of land animal, including Australian marsupials, 350,000 species of beetles, tigers, llamas, cats, dogs, snakes, mice, giraffes, zebras, lions, flightless birds such as penguins, etc., These creatures were all saved and fed for ten months, providing adequate sanitary conditions for all species, as there must have been a lot of poop on that boat. Noah saved the Earth, thanks to God’s tipoff, apart from all the hereditary genetic conditions that resulted from all the inbreeding and incest.
Jesus will cum again
Finally, we finish this sermon where we started, with Jesus our Lord and saviour himself.
Mary gets up the duff and finds this total muggings called Joseph who believed her story that an angel came to see her and God impregnated her with his son, named Jesus. God sent Jesus to die for our sins, as flooding the world and killing nearly everything wasn’t enough.
Jesus has magic powers, although nothing much remarkable happens until he’s in his early 30s when he starts doing a few Paul Daniels tricks. They killed him using a barbaric torture device, the cross, which is now used as a nice symbol to remind us of the love of God. He obviously must have done something naughty. I find it hard to believe that Jesus our saviour hadn’t done something to upset God. Why else would God do his usual trick of dishing out a cruel and unusual punishment, like every time before when mankind pissed him off?
Don’t forget Jesus has hundreds of wives – more wives than Hugh Hefner or even Mohammad.
Jesus’ last words were “God, you’re the worst Dad ever.”
If Jesus does arise again with the help of some Viagra, they should kill him in exactly the same way as he obviously gets off on it. This time jab him up the bum with a spear, rather than putting it in the side. He’d like that.